SKINNY WILL NEVER FEEL AS GOOD AS HAPPY DOES!

So after posting a timehop photo earlier today about how I saw myself looking very skinny two years ago and I had a pang of sadness wishing I still looked like I did, then I was reminded by many friends and family that I wasn’t happy then, not even close and deep down I really wouldn’t want to go back there. not ever.

I NEVER EVER thought I would say that, and Today has given me a huge realisation that I no longer live with Anorexia, I no longer question what food I can and can’t eat, I just eat what I want when I want. & I don’t spend my days in bed because I simply can’t face the world. I don’t have to worry about the scales, or the calories or even the portion size. I no longer consider how it would be easier to just throw up the food i’d eaten to make me feel skinny, I no longer measure my waist or feel my hair falling out on a daily basis!

& I no longer feel alone!

This might not mean much to some people but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for those who wrote those kind words to me today about how I wasn’t happy then and how different my life is now and i genuinely would not change it for the world! Thank you to those who’ve  never given up on me and thank you to those who did walk away, I did it without you in the end anyway! There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you have a mental illness but christ I wouldn’t have dreamt of speaking about the dreaded illness I was fighting, I was embarrassed, in denial and ashamed to not being able to fight the mental darkness I felt trapped in.

BUT here I am four years later and I cannot even express how amazing I feel writing this, I thought I would live with those thoughts for the rest of my life, and at times I didn’t even want to live anymore because it was hell. Now I will never ever look back, I’ve lost two incredibly important people from my life this year which eventually pulled me through into the clearest state of mind I have ever known. (Thank you angels <3)  I started to take note of the beauty that is in this world and how important it is to cherish everything wonderful big and small that you have in your life.

If you’re fighting through anything right now don’t give up, I know it’s so easy to fall down but you’ll get back up because when you’ve been rock bottom you can only climb to higher places from there.
I may not be a size 6 anymore but I wouldn’t change my current size to be unhappy in a world of hell ever again, I love life without Anorexia and Bulimia and I just want to spread the word that every body is beautiful no one has the right to judge you or make you feel unattractive.

I LOVE YOU ALL

To anyone who’s feeling a bit meh…

Right now there is so much sadness we’re hearing, the loss of celebrities who’ve died young, or the tragic accident that took the life of someone who had some much potential, and the disgusting news of animals being hunted for money and amusement. Among these negative stories that we seem to be hearing far to frequently these days you have to stop and take in your own life and evaluate how lucky you are and how much you probably take for granted.

I truly believe it’s not until you’ve been rock bottom that you appreciate the journey on the way back up, if life was easy, it’d be boring. I feel like the worst moments lately have given me a push to get my determination streak back and work my butt off doing something I love. I took a risk to be at university and what’s the point in just sailing along, there’s too much to lose and I’m too proud to not come out the other side feeling accomplished and ready for the future. It’s taken the darker times for me to realise i’m ready to face my future and realising it’s the time in life where you shouldn’t take for granted who you do have.            If you have a special someone, keep them close and treasure them for accepting you as who you truly are ❤

It’s also important to remember that everyone lives their life differently and you shouldn’t ever go around comparing your life to someone else’s.  It’s not all about getting straight A’s, having an amazing job and earning lots of money. Everyone has their own beliefs as to who they are as a person, and that’s okay. There will always be someone who frowns upon your choice in career, education, relationships, friends and general life decisions that you’ve made. It’s so easy to dwell on the opinions of others but at the end of the day you have one life to live and you’re nobody else but yourself, if that means doing something differently, go for it.

It’s all about finding out who you are and what the best version of you truly is… and that means you’re happy first and foremost.

Today the world is made up of a bunch of social protocols that assume we all have to live a certain way and achieve certain things. But sometimes there’s too much pressure put on people to be someone they don’t want to be and do things they don’t entirely feel happy about. It’s all about taking ‘the right path’ but who dictates which path is the right one? answer: No-one. It’s expected the norm is you’re born, go to primary school, go to high school, go to sixth form, work your arse off and go to university or get a job.

Then you settle down and have a family right?! But when these things don’t work out, and you don’t find yourself settled it’s like you feel guilty for not having the life thats expected. This path works for some people and I think our generation come from families that have proven this but sometimes it’s not for everyone, and thats okay. Not everyone finds further education rewarding and not everyone finds excitement in a 9-5 working day.

I didn’t go straight to university because I honestly didn’t know what I wanted, I was 18 and didn’t feel like I was ready, and that was okay I went to work full time for four years and then got extremely bored of that and chose to finally go to uni at 22. So many people had an opinion (even my dad who told me not to go!) but I rose above it and did it for myself, i’m an adult so what gives someone else the right to dictate my life choices?! In fact I truly believe every negative thing that has happened in a result of my personal choices has been a life lesson rather than a regret.

It seems people who want to step outside the norm and think outside the box with their life don’t always receive positive feedback from other people in society. There is no such thing as an alternative lifestyle… Life is pure and simple whatever you want it to be. Living life on your own terms and creating your own path is the best option for exploring your own versions of success, routine, and your purpose on this planet. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: there’s nothing wrong with living your life exactly how you want to.

If you’re bored of sitting in an office 5 days a week 9 till 5 and you’d rather be outside and seeing the world, go and do it if you can, it will not only open your eyes to the world but it will provide a catalyst to help you change your life to make you happy by discovering exactly what you want from your life.

Never forget that your life is under nobodies influence but your own! Surely the people who’ve had the biggest impacts on the world and created moments in history are those who’ve stepped outside the box and taken their own path.

Sometimes the answer is to take an approach that a younger version of you might have…. so if you want to go and explore somewhere new, do it now before it’s too late, or if you want to go back into education do it, you’re never too old. As a younger version of yourself you probably had fewer worries and burdens so try and remember what you aspired to be and things you wanted to do back when you were more care free. When you find something that makes you happy whether its a hobby, a new place, a new person in your life you will find you smile even when you don’t realise. Personally after a few months in university I felt such a sense of relief and this pushed me to achieve my best and over come so many of my own personal fears.

It’s important that whatever you do is to prove yourself wrong and show you can do what you want to do that makes you happy, it’s incredibly difficult to separate your own thoughts and feelings from those of others around you. I struggle to balance my insecurities when it comes to the opinions and actions of other people. I just remind myself these moments are only temporary and in the long run you’ll prove them wrong if you’re determined enough. ❤

Optimism…. the best way to think..

I have been asked many times lately how have I done it? How have I got through some tough times in the past six months and still managed to pull through maintaining a positive as possible attitude? These situations have taught me how important it is to stay optimistic through the tough times and how much changing your way of thinking can improve so much more in your life.

Optimism is the tendency to believe, expect or hope that things will turn out well. Even if something bad happens, for example the death of a person close to your heart. This doesn’t mean there’s no grief, of course there’s grief it’s a life changing process you go through however it’s the ability to see how you’ll get through it and push to make those you’ve lost proud. When you lose someone you realise how important it is to cherish those that you do have in your life and love them with all your heart. Life is too short to not make the most of your time and enjoy the company you have.

Phycology studies have proven that optimism has an amazing effect on your mental health and also you physical health. Optimists apparently tend to become sick less and live longer than pessimists. It’s said a positive outlook on life strengthens the immune system and the body’s defenses against illness, and the body’s ability to handle stress.

Basically being an optimist means you talk to yourself in a positive manner as much as possible. It’s about believing your actions result in positive things happening. Trying to be optimistic isn’t easy granted but it’s a great technique for yourself if you can stop blaming yourself for the bad things you encounter and see them as learning curves to moving on to something bigger and better.

I was taught a lot during therapy about being an optimist however I don’t think it’s actually sunk in how important this way of thinking is until the past 12 months. Some days it’s so important for you to reflect on everything you have in life, and reflect on how far you’ve come. Be grateful for being you, everything you go through will be a life lessons whether you realise it or not. Realise most of the time you are the only person holding yourself back from achieving everything you want from life! Reach your goals by believing you can and even pushing yourself out of your comfort zones can be the best thing you do.

You might not realise it but your thinking patterns do naturally change over time, certain things change your outlooks on life and reframe how you define situations. Optimism is a skill of emotional intelligence, which translates to a better career and greater success in life. Life is too short to be miserable, so even just start by stepping back from some negative situations you encounter and realise how much you can learn and grow from them.

Why embracing your mid-twenties isn’t so bad….

So i’m currently sat surrounded by boxes as i’m attempting to pack my life up ready for the next chapter! But before the big move i’m off to Cornwall for a few days of ‘me’ time, a chance to read a couple of books next to the sea, get some inspiration for writing and generally reflecting on the last crazy six months of life. Rewarding myself for doing lots of packing I’m going to write a fun entry on one of my favourite topics; twentysomethings!

Our twenties are our years to explore our interests, establish our strengths and pursue our passions. But this doesn’t mean being selfish! I hate seeing quotes and articles when I research blog topics and it’s forever naming the 20’s decade of your life ‘The Selfish Years’ making decisions to affect your life isn’t selfish, neither is doing what makes you happy. I think if anything these lifestyle choices and actions we take somewhat define who our true friends and soul mates are. The connections you build with people in these years will likely be pretty solid, permanent relationships for your life.

I think it’s good to think of your twenties as the years to look outside of yourself. To discover what’s going on in the world around you, and start to find your place in it. It is the youngest, the sharpest and most likely the most mobile you will ever be. Just as we have the least to lose in our twenties, we have the most to give. We have the most energy, the brightest ideas and the fewer problems.

There’s a lot to learn as you grow up from late teens to mid twenties.

– Staying out past midnight is over rated.

– Liking your job is so so important!

– There’s no point making extra effort on people who don’t actually care about you in the same way.

– Some times you need to prioritise spending money especially when it comes to eating healthy.

– When it comes to decent people in your life it’s quality not quantity.

– There comes a time to when you realise your wardrobe probably needs a shake up and dressing for your age is actually a real thing.

– Being confident isn’t a bad trait, in the right context obviously but confidently deciding on something like a relationship, career or financial prospect is a great quality!

– You don’t have to have everything figured out… no really.

– Settling down isn’t as easy as other people might make it look to you, life will pull you in different directions, you’ll probably move around with career so prepare yourself for changes.

– Getting in debt is not worth it! Overdrafts aren’t worth it anymore.

– You can easily forget to appreciate and love yourself, these years of your life are all about finding yourself and changes that it’s incredibly easy to forget how important and strong you are.

– The real world sucks sometimes, I think we are quite naive to some things that we thought were easy as a grown up.

– You can’t party like you used to, don’t deny it, it’s just life.

– The decisions you made when you left school probably don’t impact your career as much as you were made to believe.

– You do start to feel ‘older’ as such, I know people will say “You’re not old!!”. I know i’m not old yet you do start to notice little things like you struggle with things more and you probably wont be as flexible as you used to be.

– Even though you feel like you’re getting older there’s still some elements of your younger life around, such as peer pressure. It’s not something that just disappears however it comes with more pressure such as career choices, making money and relationships developing.

– Sometimes the best person to speak to is your Mum, enjoy the friendship you have.

– The biggest mistake you can make in life is not actually doing anything. Your twenties are your best years, take some risks, discover exactly what you want to do and where you want to go.

24!

I don’t think turning 18 makes you an adult… I don’t actually think there’s any age that signifies you’re ‘grown up’ as such. Everyone takes life in their own steps and at their own pace however it’s hard to not notice the friends that have been around you for years are suddenly growing up maybe a bit faster than you or taking bigger steps than you, travelling to more places than you and so on….

In the next year I would love to achieve a lot more. After the last few months and trying to understand the feeling of loss, grief and heartbreak i’ve come to realise you have to take everyday as it comes, enjoy what you can and never let the world get you down for too long. I’m determined now more than ever to not give up on my dreams and aspirations… working hard is important to me but I need to be happy with everything else in my life too.

My birthday was amazing, I spent such a wonderful day with my mum and Dom, lots of shopping in Manchester, I couldn’t not think about the two amazing angels i’ve lost this year and the sunshine that graced us all day was a sign that they were there with me in spirit. I’ve never been a strong believer of things like this until now and I truly think it’s a good way to think especially if you’re struggling with grief.

So with this new attitude I’ve bought myself a lovely new car, a Clio Sport, something i’ve dreamed of having since I passed my driving test 6 years ago. I bought it myself I will run it myself and I will enjoy every second of it! Life is too short to not do what makes you happy and not take a few risks now and again. I love her, I always worked hard to run my own cars and look after them and I know already I am extremely protective over my new baby!

Dom and I went to a summer ball at the Lawn Club in Manchester for the university last week too, even though the weather wasn’t exactly representing summer it was a great excuse to get dressed up and have a lovely night out to celebrate the end of the semester! 🙂

I can’t wait to move into our new flat in less than two weeks, a fresh start for me and my life going into the final year of my degree. With some amazing results from my second year of uni after what was a horrible semester I can’t not keep pushing myself to graduate and focus on my future. Even at 24 I still don’t know where i’ll end up in a couple of years but that’s also the fun part, pushing myself and experiencing amazing new things week in week out.

This time next week I will be back in Cornwall! I’m flying to Newquay next weekend to join my parents for a few days before coming back to move 😀

Before that I will also be floor managing an event through the University at MediaCity, i’ve really pushed myself to work hard these last couple of months and I hate being bored so now all my uni work is over I’m doing everything I can to keep busy!

You also may have noticed i’ve lost my blonde hair! I loved it but I’m really happy with my new style and colour ready for hopefully lots of sunshine over summer 🙂

Oh and I got promoted at work… ( I can’t get my head round how much i’ve achieved over the past months on top of everything else!)

I have really missed my blog and now a lot of stress is over until September anyway I promise to get myself back into action! I’d love to hear from some of you lovely readers again and what you’d like to hear in the next week or two?

Before I go i’ve read three amazing books in last couple of weeks so I will share them now quickly as they are great if you’re looking for a summer read! 1- The Seafront Tea Rooms by Vanessa Greene. 2 – One Night in Italy by Lucy Diamond. 3- Will Grayson Will Grayson by John Green. Enjoy!

Thank you to everyone especially the certain family members who’ve been there no matter what, I couldn’t have got through it without you. ❤

 

Make it happen!

You never ever achieve anything by sitting and wishing about it or dreaming about it. You are responsible for your own happiness and YOU are the only person who can push yourself to be exactly what you want and go exactly where you want.

Life is too precious to spend your days wasting wishes and dreams on things that you wont one day turn into a reality. You’ve got through lots of things in your life up till now, heartbreaks, trauma, grief and the feeling of loss is something to be proud of over-coming. You are probably a lot stronger than you realise.

So if you think about something on a day to day basis and you’ve not actually done anything to make it happen.. why not? what’s stopping you? maybe it’s money, maybe it’s the risk but guess what… you’ll never ever know if you never try! Taking a risk is scary but personally I think regret is a hell of a lot scarier. You have one life so enjoy it, if you don’t like your job look into trying something new! If you don’t feel happy in your education look into alternatives, don’t hold yourself down just because you feel you’d be letting someone else down by doing what in the long run is right for you! So here’s the word selfish appearing again, but honestly you have to put yourself first sometimes because through some of these decisions you choose you will discover who loves you for you and it’ll prove just how supportive the ones you love really are.

More often than not, the smallest step in a new direction or a change in attitude can be the start of something amazing in life, everyone has to start somewhere 🙂 I was once told ‘It’s not who you are that holds you back it’s who you think you’re not’ This is something that’s stuck with me through my decisions to leave my job, start a life at university as a mature student and follow on with things i’d never have thought I could achieve.

There are so many successful people in this world who didn’t get where they are today by chance, they got knocked down multiple times but never gave up and pursued their dreams because they strongly believed they could.

So if you feel like there’s something in your life that brings you down, or there’s something you’d love to do that you only imagine as a dream, think a bit more, plan a bit more and talk about it with people you love. You can do what you want with your life and no-one wants to be on their death bed wishing they’d done things but instead remembering all the amazing memories you’ve made and lives you’ve touched.

Do what makes you happy! ❤

Body Dysmorphia…

Today has been such a bad day for anxiety and even elements of my body dysmorphia disorder have flared up. Body Dysmorphia isn’t something you see a lot in the media or really spoken about at all, I didn’t learn of it until I was in therapy and it was then I realised I had it bad and it can completely consume you. The encounters I have with it these days are rare and when it does flare up I know I can get through it. However, I wanted to blog about it tonight because I always feel it helps me to write things down…

So body dysmorphia is a silent dilemma that eats away at your thoughts, so just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. This particular illness isn’t uncommon, and it’s not just associated with those diagnosed with anorexia or other eating disorders.

Someone who suffers from body dysmorphia constantly thinks about the flaws that they see in their appearance and their body. That flaw might be real, or it could be entirely imagined. Either way, it doesn’t matter – a person with BDD feels awful and ashamed of it, despite what anyone says. What makes it worse is when you can’t explain the awful sense of low self esteem and absolutely zero self confidence and you can’t even express how uncomfortable you are with your  weight without hearing, “If you think you’re fat, you must think that I’m a whale.” NO

My distorted body image applies to me and only me. When I complain I feel fat or I feel disgusting about my physical appearance it is not on a scale to which everyone else is judged on. You are you. I’m the only one my dysmorphia transforms. Calling myself fat doesn’t mean I compare myself to other people or judge anyone for their size! It applies to the sufferer and nobody else.

^ This is so important. Even if you don’t understand the phycology of the illness please do not take it as something against you, the battles in peoples minds can be complex and consuming.

People normally don’t understand BDD because they can’t wrap their heads around the fact that what they see when they look at someone with this disorder is different than what that person sees when they look at themselves. I hate it when people tell you that you have to love yourself before you can be loved. Sometimes that’s not the way it works. Sometimes, someone else loving you comes before you love yourself, because sometimes you need someone to prove to you that you are worth loving.

EVERYONE has  something they dislike about themselves that doesn’t mean you have dysmorphia, no. People fret about their imperfections but usually it doesn’t interfere too much with their day to day lives. But someone with body dysmorphia can spend hours fretting over how they look and it completely consumes their thoughts. Sufferers can’t control their negative thoughts and don’t believe when people tell them they look fine. These thoughts can cause emotional distress, to the point where social situations are avoided and isolation takes over.

This illness is unfortunately becoming increasingly popular in generations now, it needs to be spoken about and it’s not something to ignore. Please ask for help, please talk to someone and don’t let your own mind bring you down. (it’s easier said than done I know i’m in this position some days but you can do it, life’s too short not too.) ❤

Coping with the stress in May!

May is without a doubt one of those times in the year when you feel the pressure 100% more if you’re in education. At university May is the dreaded month of assessments, deadlines and exams! Procrastination becomes more powerful than ever and sleep deprivation proves more unhelpful than ever.

So here’s a quick entry, whilst I take a break from my work obviously 😉 haha, about coping with stress and getting through the tough days knowing the future is brighter.

• If you’re like me getting lost in a good book can be incredibly relaxing, take half an hour or even an hour out to yourself and read, it may even inspire you.
• Cook something nice for your dinner! It’s so easy during this period to just nibble on snacks that you probably won’t even burn off so cook something up, take a break and enjoy something tasty and healthy to keep you focused.
• Acknowledge your problems, some people stress about exams some about their deadlines and stress doesn’t just come in one form or another. Get yourself into a good support network whether it’s friends, family or support from the health and well being services at your university, you’ll be surprised how many people use the service, it doesn’t make you any less of a person it’s a good thing to ask for help because you’ll be thankful for it in the long run when you achieve everything you can!
• Deal with your emotions, now for me this is a tough one but over the years it’s taught me a lot about myself and exactly how pointless worrying can be in certain situations. You often need to stop feeling so hard done by or disappointed in yourself, easier said than done granted but if you get a low grade or you don’t do as well as you’d hoped do not stop there, giving up isn’t the answer. It’s learning where you went wrong, how you can improve and getting yourself on track.
• Your attitude and Outlook is vital. It’s normal to feel pessimistic after a negative event but if you keep focusing on finding the positives you’re more likely to find your solutions.
• Realise that YOU are in control. When problems occur we often feel the event is beyond our control or the doings if others. Often people take on this by blaming the external factors however if you learn how you could have contributed to the problem you can take control and fix them 🙂 
• You’re not alone, don’t forget that.

Good luck to everyone for this semester end ❤️ 

2 years on…. :)

I’ve kindly been reminded by Timehop that it’s coming up to two years since I was discharged from the hospital and began to piece everything back together in my life, but bigger and better than I could have ever imagined.

On May 1st 2013 I was discharged from the clinic after 18 tough months suffering and recovering from anorexia and bulimia. To say I was happy about it was an understatement, yet looking back now it was only just the start of some even tougher times to get myself through. My health became my priority and I changed so much about the things that were bringing me down in life and made the most of the amazing people and moments that I did have.

Over the time I spent in the clinic I don’t really have any memories of anything, which is honestly true and maybe a good thing, it’s nothing I want to go through again. Yet I do know now for certain that the last two years of my life have been the best time for me, i’ve learnt so much about real friends, the family that actually care (and unfortunately those who don’t) and the fact that finding someone who doesn’t understand you fully but at least tries to and accepts you is the most amazing feeling in the world.

A few months after being discharged I moved to Manchester and started my life here ready for university and a complete fresh start for me. At 22 I was honestly quite scared for leaving a full time job to go back to being a student, it took a while to adjust but I am 100% sure it was the best decision I could have made regarding my future. University has changed me, not just moving away but living with friends, meeting people who’ve had such a positive impact on my life and finding a job that I absolutely love.

Since that day i’ve pushed myself into doing things  I never had the courage to do, I live a life I never thought I would have and I can honestly say there’s moments where I am so happy I can’t quite believe that my life has ended up where it has. To the people who’ve never left my side (the few of you) thank you with all my heart

Life is never ever smooth sailing and it’s getting through the tough times that shapes you as a person, things happen for reasons and whether you know them or not it doesn’t matter, keep going and never give up. There have been so many times when i’ve been close to giving up on things in the past two years, and it’s sometimes been a struggle being away from the help that I had but i’ve come too far to ever ever look back!

Mental health issues aren’t something to be ashamed of and if you need help please don’t shy away the people who love you will support you through everything. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

So thank you to everyone who’s made the last two years amazing for me and got me through the tough days too! Here’s to the future…. ❤

Oh anxiety how I hate you.

“Anxiety isn’t just self insecurities. Sometimes it’s something irrational that simply paralyses you with fear.”

Today i’ve been all over the place and I don’t know why! I hate using ‘anxiety’ as an excuse because I know people who don’t know exactly how extreme cases of this horrible condition can make you feel will never understand why you’re acting differently.

I knew today wasn’t going to be great because it’s the first day back at Uni after the holidays and since the awful loss of my Nana i’ve struggled to concentrate on getting my assignments done so it was difficult but good friends got me through 🙂

However, there are certain things that can make slight anxiety go into overdrive, careless comments from people, the feeling that you’ve annoyed someone, the paranoia of wondering if you’re just a burden to be around, you name it, i’ve felt it. Today there was something so minor that happened and it wound me up more than I should have let it so I was left feeling frustrated at how ridiculous some people can be and why they can’t see how their actions would upset someone or make them feel uncomfortable. I know, I know I’m about as emotional as they come so something that makes me feel like this will probably go over the heads of most people so I don’t expect them to understand it’s more I wish I knew what I could do to be a better person.

This probably makes very little sense tonight but i’m so mixed up with feelings and trying to control my anxiety attacks that I needed to write to try and calm down.

If anyone relates to this then please know you are not alone and it’s all about taking one day at a time. I know i’ll probably wake up tomorrow and be okay, it’s just a shame out of the blue these days can spring up on you and make you feel horrible. Keep Going, That’s the only way! ❤

I’m off to get in bed with my book and my disney plushies!